JESUS ELF'S RUMPUS ROUND-UP!

sneakylittleelf:

Vilkas opened his eyes and stood up as Thavrin waved his finger at him. He let out a low long growl as a warning that he wanted to be left along, his icy blue eyes burning with anger.

Thavrin gasped and took a step back.  His scowl deepened, and he put his hands on his hips.  “Well, I didn’t wanna do this, but you leave me no choice, Mister Kitty!”

He concentrated on the little creature, imploring it to be nicer.

Anonymous asked: Dear Thavrin, I think you just advised someone to punch you in the face and steal your stolen baby....

“NO!  NO ONE TOUCHES MY BABY!!”  Thavrin leaped out of his chair and snatched Piper out of her basket.

Anonymous asked: Dear Thavrin, Recently my sister was taken from my mother and have left her unavailable for me to play with. I very much love babies and am a very good caretaker but somehow doubt I will be allowed near the baby due to my association with my mother. How can I get the playtime with the baby I desire before I go insane and set something on fire? Sincerely, Family-Friendly-Firebug

“Umm… kidnap the baby?  Yeah!  Kidnap her right back, punch the kidnapper, and bring her back home!  I’m sure your mother will be delighted, too!  You’ll be a hero!”

Anonymous asked: Dear Thavrin, I have recently learned that I am to become a father. My partner desires to keep the child, but I do not agree with her decision, for I do not see how I can accept an idea that I very strongly oppose. However, I love my partner without question and wish to support her in any way I can. How can I get over my prejudices and accept this for the blessing that it should be?

“Hmmm… that’s a tough one.  I guess let her keep the baby since she’s the one who has to do all the heavy-lifting!  I mean, if I had to shove an entire being through a tiny orifice, I’d be pretty mad if my partner didn’t appreciate how fucking amazing it is that I did that and somehow didn’t die.

“That being said, maybe you guys can live separately?  Sometimes putting a little physical distance between you and your partner can ensure that your different lifestyles don’t clash.

“Or you could try drinking!  I mean hey, that worked for… well okay, it didn’t really work for my sister, but persistence is key amirite?!”

Anonymous asked: Dear Thavrin, I developed a small crush on someone and now I find he's a bastard! How do I get over it? Signed, confused.

“Unfortunately, crushes are pretty hard to get rid of!  Try making fun of yourself about it until you feel too bad about yourself to even think about that person anymore!

“Actually, that sounds terrible!  Maybe try drinking?”

lordharkon asked: Dear Thavrin, what is the most painful, bloody and ultimately satisfying way to remove a rather noxious and annoying mortal with a severe body odour problem from one's life? He is proving to be quite persistent in remaining alive, and I am finding it quite irksome.

“O-oh dear, hahahahaha!  Umm, let’s see… Maybe you s-should start by realizing that k-killing him isn’t really all that fun.  It’s pretty boring, actually!  A-and it’s not even a permanent solution—t-trust me!  This guy’ll probably come back a few months later, kinda like herpes!

“S-so, umm, maybe just give him a smooch and s-send him on his way with a stern warning?”  Thavrin tried to smile, and tugged at his collar.

Anonymous asked: Dear Thavrin, I am in an absolutely dreadful dilemma! I promised myself I would never develop feelings for anyone else, and I have! What's worse, is the person is a huge jerk that smells like dead fish when they forget to bathe, and their sister is a total psycho. What should I do?

Thavrin opened his mouth to reply, but Mirriam put her hand on his face and shoved him away.  “I’ll field this one, bro.”

She cleared her throat and said, “Well, If I was you I’d probably lie down in front of a movin’ carriage, but then there’d be th’ risk of you causin’ it t’ bounce up int’ th’ atmosphere with that huge, bouncy girth of yers.

“Barrin’ that, maybe you should understand that you’re the one who’s a ‘huge jerk,’ emphasis on ‘huge,’ and you should also understand that ain’t nobody in their right mind’s gonna love somebody who thinks it’s okay t’ slander their family.”

valors-crossroads asked: Dear Thavrin, oh my god the red pandas have found me by the love of fucking Talos Thavrin they've surrounded my home at the Waterfront. One of them has already bit me, so I don't know how much time I have left. What the hell should I do Thavrin. What the hell should I do!? ..... Signed, Vincent. Hugs & Kisses.

“CUDDLE THEM!  They love cuddles!  And if that doesn’t work, give them butterfly kisses!  Heeheehee!”

a-hopeful-wanderer asked: Dear Thavrin, I'm a psychotic wood elf who has a hard time hiding murderous tendencies. Should I just let loose and kill everyone to get this anger out, or is some intense therapy in order?

“Hmmm… that’s a tough one!  Why not compromise and kill your therapist?”

Anonymous asked: Dear Thavrin, I can't fully explain my situation, but what I can tell you is I'm raising a child on my own and I'm terrified. I can't let the man who got me pregnant fond out...I just can't. I'm scared because I've worked so hard to be where I'm at and I don't want my son to be in danger because of my line of work. Then there's the constant reminder of how I'm doing this alone. Is it bad how much I hate couples? Is it wrong I wish for the demise of their love? Signed, lady deathbell

“Uhh… maybe give the baby up for adoption and stop being a hater?  Or do skooma and forget about this whole nasty ‘love’ business?  Hating other people’s love isn’t going to make you less lonely—in fact it’s going to lose you friends.  Maybe you should seek help!”

Anonymous asked: Dear Ask Thavrin, people seem to have a lot of trouble respectin' mah authoritah. How do I reach these keeds? Signed, The Coon

“FIGHT THE AUTHORITY!  ALL GUARDS ARE BASTARDS!”

Mirriam put her fist in the air and shouted, “OI!”  Piper sneezed.

Anonymous asked: Dear Ask Thavrin, my horse has started levitating and chanting things in Latin at me. Do you think it's possessed by Sheogorath? Signed, It's bad for business

“What’s Latin?  I’ve seen horses and mammoths levitate, but they usually don’t speak while they’re at it.  If you want my opinion, I think the Earth Bones are just starting to falter.”

sneaktheif asked: Dear Thavrin, I'm a homicidal vampire whose biological brother was adopted into a nice family while I was left on the streets to fend for myself. When I locate my brother, how do I tell him about me? And how do I right this wrong? Is a neck-sucking rampage in order?

“Yes!  Yes, a neck-sucking rampage IS in order!  Even if your brother says he still loves you, he’s one of Them now, and there’s no getting him back, so kill as many people as you can!  Just don’t let them kill you.”

Anonymous asked: Dear Ask Thavrin, I believe I've fallen in love with a tavern bard, but he ignores my advances. Can you help me reign him in? Signed, Desperate

“Is that tavern bard named Sven?  If so, then don’t waste your time with him because he’s a lazy jerk!  I heard it from Faendal AND Camilla!

“If it’s Delacourt in Falkreath, then I can’t help you.  He’s kind of a cold fish.  He’s absolutely gorgeous though, isn’t he?”

Anonymous asked: Dear ask Thavrin, I know someone who is very infuriating. I wish to slap him in the face sometimes. How do I deal with him? He's not feeling it yet. Signed, 0@0

“Well, maybe you should assess what exactly you want him to feel, and whether it will have a good outcome for anyone.  Also, you should do a little soul-searching if you find yourself preoccupied by silly internet memes!  I… I mean… wait, what?”

Oh dear, now Thavrin had confused himself.